1. Remember when you were nauseous all of last year and you thought it was because your doctors were overloading your system with too many narcotics? Or that you would always get car sick and you thought it was because you’d go months without being in a car?  Well apparently it’s from those anti depressants you started taking again that make you actually sleep/put you in a better mood but it also forces a diet of ginger ale and crackers on you so maybe you should decide if you value sleep over hurling.
  2. “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” is a horrible, horrible song. It’s depressing and I’m pretty sure about a double suicide pact and I don’t understand why boys like playing it for girls. Girls namely me and my female friends. Exactly three boys have sat me down with their guitars and tried crooning me with this nightmare of a song and by the third time I just sat there thinking about what I was having for dinner instead of listening to him. Guys, stop playing this song. Literally pick any other song, just not this fucking one. Every time it comes on Spotify I knock things over in order to click to next song.
  3. Did you know Victoria Secret sometimes puts formaldehyde in their bras? I bought a new one (literally 75% of my wardrobe is from the leggings/tank top section from their website) and now I have their weird bra shaped rash under one boob and thank god for Google because it informed me other women have had this problem and there have been TESTS proving there’s formaldehyde in the bras and now I don’t know where to buy bras from because my boobs are pretty big huge and I want pretty ones, not ones from Target.
  4. Between the queasiness, the bra incident, the pain in my arm, plus my allergies flaring up-> I’m not having a good week health wise. I relayed all of this to my mother last night while I popped oyster crackers curled up in a kitchen chair and shes like “…I thought we discussed you staying off of WebMD Zoë.” and I’m like, “You want me to just have bad symptoms and skin breakouts and feel like death and NOT know what is wrong with me?!”And she just sighed and said “Sometimes it’s better not to know.”  This is like when I texted her at 10pm during my WWII class in college that I was Googling ADD and that I was 115% I had that and I was never diagnosed with it and how come she didn’t take me to the same doctors my brother saw when HE was diagnosed with it. She said it was like that family we knew when we were kids, where the parents made the kids sit down and decided which one of them was getting braces because only ONE out of the five was getting them and they had to fight it out amongst themselves. Like Hunger Games except for health care.
  5. As an adult, it’s perfectly okay to wear Sports Bras to work under your adult clothes because nobody can actually tell.
  6. Having a non nerdy boyfriend is the best thing to ever happen to you. It’s kind of nice to do things other than argue over who was the best actor to play Batman at three in the morning or to not start crying over thai food because a heated discussion over the new Monsters Inc movie got THAT serious.
  7. Today is my dad’s birthday. He’s the best, most giving and positive person I have ever met in my life. He is NEVER in a bad mood, never upset, never stressed in front of his kids. And he’s only gotten mad at me once in my entire life: when I was in 2nd grade and didn’t bring home my social studies textbook and when he asked why not I simply said, “Because I didn’t feel like studying.”When I was in college and dyed my hair pink and my mom didn’t talk to me four months, he took me to the mall during Christmas to get me out of the house. My dad hates the mall more than ANYTHING. He once ate an entire strawberry muffin I made him on Father’s Day even though I made them with baking soda instead of baking powder.
  8. Steve’s birthday is this weekend, good job on what you got him/stole for him. I’m proud of you Gulliksen, good job. Don’t know how you’ll top this one though. Maybe for Christmas get him something normal.
  9. Drink more water. cancel your gym membership. sign up for yoga. breathe. don’t reactivate your facebook. paint that last dresser drawer. figure out how to spray tan your awkward tan lines. get more coffee with old friends. read more blogs. write more blog posts. don’t forget to take your allergy meds you sound like shit on the phone when you don’t.
  10. never trust anyone who has “white beyonce” on the back of their car.